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How Pepsi Colluded With Russia And Built The Worlds 6th largest Military

What’s the most American beverage?

Go ‘head, think about it.

The answer is Coca-Cola, without a doubt.

Had you said Jack Daniels, I’d give you a pass....

But, it sure as fuck isn’t Pepsi!

Not that goddamn sodapop imposter, fueled with carbonated commie rage and jealousy, bubbling with disdain for our innate American greatness and free capitalist socie-

Sorry, I’m getting a little worked up, but I just hate that sweet Soviet beverage.

Let me explain.


Humble Beginnings


The Year was 1959, and Vice-President Nixon was sent by Eisenhower to represent the US at the American National Exhibition in Moscow.

The idea was simple, flex on these reds with some cool American shit, and prove we had it the best.

Our TVs were better, our boats were better, and our cars were... way- the-fuck better.

If the wings of a Cadillac Coup Deville couldn’t jumpstart your cold dead commie heart, nothing could.

Nixon debated Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev on the merits of communism vs capitalism.

Though not through typical references of nuclear or political prowess, they did, however, try to prove who was best based on devices in the exhibit.

This soon became known as the “ kitchen debate.”

Nikita Khrushchev must of felt the heat coming from our superior toaster ovens because he began to sweat, and it was noticeable.

At least noticeable enough that Donald M. Kendall, the vice president of marketing for Pepsi, rushed up to hand him a cold cup of Pepsi.

“You see that shit? That’s a microwave comrade! Now sip on some freedom, bitch.”

For a moment, this picture was viral, almost as viral Al Capone’s dick.

But unlike Al Capone’s dick, Pepsi was far from falling off any time soon.

After the press from that fateful photo-op faded, Donald Kendal kept working and plugging away at his Pepsi plan. He tried repeatedly to get the Pepsi brand into the USSR, but he could never make it happen...

Until 1972, 12 years after he first met Khrushchev.

Drinking Money

In 1972, Kendal convinced his friend Nixon, who was now president, to pull some strings and help him swing the deal.

It even looked like it was could work this time, but there was one small issue...

How the fuck was the USSR going to pay for it?

Due to trade restrictions, they couldn’t exchange their currency, the ruble, on the global market. Therefore, there was no way to pay Pepsi the dollars they needed.

But unlike most problems, vodka could actually solve this one. A lot of vodka.

See, The USSR had massive amounts of vodka, and most brands were even state owned. So Pepsi agreed to take it as payment and use vodka as the defacto currency for the huge trade deal.


Navy Rich


The Vodka game had Pepsi sitting cozy.

Slinging that fire water had sure worked out nicely for them, because not only were they the exclusive importer of Stolichnaya vodka and the first American business in the USSR, but now they had over 20 factories there, pumping out that soda pop to every comrade with a sweet tooth.

But things were about to take, yet another, strange turn.

After years of peddling the pop abroad, it was time for a new contract.

It was 1989, and it had been a whole 17 years since they established their brand in Soviet territory.

Though much had changed, the versatility of the ruble had not.

It still had difficulties being traded internationally, and the new 3 billion dollar contract couldn’t be quenched with grey goose.

So, the soviets had to dig deep, and find some spare change for their caffine addiction.

What they came up with was...

17 submarines,

a cruiser,

a frigate,

and a fucking destroyer.

For one small moment, Pepsi had the 6th largest military in the world.

And though being Pablo of sugary drinks may have seemed a tad enticing, the fleet was soon turned over and scrapped by a Swedish company.

Still then President of Pepsi, Donald Kendal, told National Security Advisor, “We are disarming the USSR faster than you.”


So maybe I overreacted, and Pepsi is actually kinda chill.

I mean, it’s still not the “Most American” beverage, but the can is still red, white and blue, ya know?

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